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Archive for July, 2010

There are many stages of grief: anger, regret, despair, acceptance.

Months after losing my dad, I hadn’t experienced any of those. Instead, I was stuck in Dream State—that place where the great cheater death is not allowed. I couldn’t stay forever, I couldn’t turn back time, but I couldn’t move forward either.

My head said, “Dad’s so much better off. No pain or meds. No more trips to the ER.”

But my heart said, “I don’t care. I want my daddy.”

So I journeyed to places where Dad still existed. I clung to the memory of the last time I saw him. I’m not even sure why he came to visit that day, but I’m so glad he did. My Heavenly Father blessed me with one last moment, one last kiss, and one last I love you. Those ‘one lasts’ are tucked safely in my heart and mind for a lifetime.

Dream state is a normal reaction to death. I’d been there before when my brother was snatched from us leaving a massive void that I thought nothing and no one could fill. I was wrong. God poured Himself into that abyss and eased the heartache. I knew my Heavenly Father would do it again. But when?

From my valley I prayed, “Lord, please tell me this isn’t true. Tell me I’ll see Dad again.” And I waited. And waited.

Eventually I moved forward—gradually—but I moved, and my heart connected with my head. My dad was free. He’d moved on. And now he’s strutting streets of gold without a walker, his back free of pain. He’s walking and talking with Jesus. Can I really be selfish enough to wish him back here? No, I can’t.

Revelation 21:4 says, “And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” God will return and He Himself will wipe the tears from our eyes.

In the meantime, I’ll allow my Heavenly Father to pour His soothing potion of comfort into my soul, and I’ll survive, leaving Dream State behind because I have hope.

There is a place where there is no death.

There is a future.

There is life.

There is truth.

And His name is Jesus.

The Right Choice

To seek Your peace and comfort, that is Your desire and will.
Yet I buried my heart in grief, refusing to listen or be healed.

You persistently call to my spirit, “Child, meet with me today.”
For the first time in ages I answered, “What is it You long to say?”

Your voice thundered around me. I couldn’t help but hear.
You asked, “Who am I to you, Child?” I responded without fear.

“Lord, I do not know the answer. I’m only human and bound by space.”
You responded, “That’s your decision. One that you alone chose to make.

“I’ve entreated your attention. I’ve pleaded for an honest discourse.
But you closed your ears to Me, and instead stayed this dangerous course.

“So, I’ll ask again now that you’re listening. Who do you say that I am?
Am I God or only human? Am I Truth or am I a scam?

“Only you can form an opinion. You can’t base it on another’s view.
Child, Who do you say that I am? I’m waiting. The next step is up to you.”

I bowed my heart full of sorrow. Tears of regret trailed down my face.
I had no answer to give Him. That was my disgrace.

But in brokenness I felt His presence as He whispered in my ear.
“Has it been so long that you’ve forgotten? I’m still here, Child. Can’t you hear?

“I’m still the Alpha and Omega, The Beginning and the End.
I’m the One Who gave you life, and I can revive your spirit again.

“Will you accept My invitation? Or will you choose to remain behind?
Will you seek the truth found in Me? Or will you believe a lie?”

“Abba Father,” I cried in that moment. “I’m nothing without Thee.
Please forgive my distance. In You alone will I find sweet relief.”

I opened Your Word before me, and in expectation of Your voice,
I read and listened in obedience, and quickly saw I’d made the right choice.

“You are my God, my Savior. You’re the Rock on which I stand.
My Deliverer and Redeemer. The Holy One. The Great I Am.

“You are my strength and fortress. The shield in which I abide.
You are The One Great Shepherd. My ever-present guide.

“You are flawless in perfection. Pure. And everything good.
You are my help and comfort. These truths I find in Your Word.

“Today I choose to accept them, for Your Bread is life to me.
Forgive me, precious Savior, and bind my heart always to Thee.”

Then I felt you draw near me. I knew You’d heard my plea.
You cut the cords that detained me, and by Your grace set me free.

“Now, hold me ever closer. Sustain me by Your side.
Shine Your presence on me. Flood my soul with Your Light.

“Thank You for Your great mercy. For Your love on all You have made.
For faithfulness to Your promises, and for being righteous in all Your ways.

“If I live to be a hundred, or leave this earth in a breath or two,
I’ll rejoice in this moment forever, when I called on You in truth.”

And in my spirit You answered. I have not doubt I heard Your voice.
Clearly You responded, “Welcome back, Child. Today, you made the right choice.”

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